1. The motor registry office in West Perth. With its serried bank of seating facing a TV screen the size of a teaspoon, queues longer than the Zambezi river and an odd odour of decaying plastics and human sweat, this is one place to avoid at all costs. Of course, if one has any driverly business to attend to, it cannot be avoided, and so it is usually full of other people looking just as hideously unhappy at being there as you are.
2. Perth train station on any hot summer afternoon, especially now they've introduced the new 'smart rider' card that doesn't quite work and all the guards are snarky and all the passengers are stinky. Also, people in Perth have trouble with the concept of standing back and waiting while others exit a newly-arrived train.
3. JB hi-fi in the city. Always crowded, always with throngs of emo kids and teenage boys standing around looking cranky, with no service and no way of moving down the aisles and again, a particularly strange and offputting aroma reminisicent of people who lie in bed all day smoking pot.
4. Northbridge on a Friday or Saturday night. 'Nuff said really. All you'd need to do would be to add a few demons and a bit of torture to the drunken screaming masses and it'd be a dead ringer for a Heironymous Bosch painting.
5. Scarborough Beach Road. Where the wealthy denizens of Perth spend their Saturdays being tasteful furniture and throw-rugs from Ikea/Freedom/Empire et al. All the affluenza you could want, plus a double-dose of traffic rage along the actual road with extra helpings of screaming kiddies.
6. Cottesloe Beach. Controversial, true, but it's an utter hole of a place to be when it's packed full of tanned smoking teenagers putting their best moves on each other, holidaying tourists and lots and lots of seagulls, while up and down the road cruise boys in too-loud cars driving ultra-slow so the girls in the too-small bikinis can admire their spoilers. The strip is also hideously overpriced for food and drink, the eateries are limited and while the view is beautiful and the groyne is a nice spot to swim at it's just so overrated. Of course, it'd be really nice if no-one went there. As they say, hell is other people.
7. Innaloo shopping centre, anytime, day or night. It's evil. It's Westfield. But you can't stay away. And don't even ask about the carpark.