All I want for Christmas is... a job

I just got offered a full-time job. As a journalist.

I said yes.

First I cried and walked around the house and contemplated throwing up, because saying yes to the job meant saying no to some other stuff. Cool stuff. Fun stuff. But stuff that might not have worked out and that wasn't quite going to happen soon enough and stuff that would only be for a week here and a week there, and stuff that would have seen me still being home by myself all the time, stuff that didn't quite pay enough so that I wasn't always worried about the what ifs and the future and all that ephemera.

So I said goodbye to those things to take this other thing up and I have no idea if I've made the right decision. This will be a hard job for me to do. It will require learning a lot and there will be deadlines and long hours and travel and I won't be able to just go to the beach with the dog when I want.

But it will be a work-on-weekdays in an office job, and I will be paid a good amount of money, enough to live and save and maybe do some stuff other than pay the rent and watch DVDs, and I will have to wear office clothes, and there will be colleagues. There won't just be me and the computer and my thoughts.

In the end, I said yes, because if I hate the job I can always pick up the freelancing again and give this another shot. But if I said no to the job, and the other things didn't work out, I'd be stuck in this place I've been all year, and it hasn't been a good place.

Still. I'm shit-scared. I don't know if I made the right decision or not. I am angry at myself for being who I am and not knowing if I've made the right choice and for feeling fucking ambivalent about everything. I'm sad to say goodbye to those other things too, even as I try to think about how I can still fit them into my working life in a reduced capacity.

(Also, my dog will be lonely without me. I hope she'll be okay. Do you think I should get another puppy to keep her company? And I promise to take her for two walks a day.)

So here I am at the end of a tough year and I've got a whole new one ahead and as per usual I am over-thinking everything. At least I am reliably neurotic and difficult to please. And right now I have to overcome the 'what have I done?' feeling with a walk in the park.

Comments

[ThirdCat]

Hey, Kate. I know that walk.

Also "at least I am reliably neurotic and difficult to please"...ace line.

You'll know soon enough whether you've made the right decision. And you probably have, because you wouldn't have made it if it wasn't (weren't, I know, but wasn't is easier), but it doesn't mean you can't feel sad about the things you're leaving behind.

[Mindy]

You are not alone in this feeling. I think we all do it at some time or other (most memorably for me when first pregnant!). As you said, if it doesn't work out you can quit and do something else. Even if it's not your dream job it may get you into something else even better. Jasper will be okay. Regular walks and toys like Kongs will keep her occupied. Getting another dog can be problematic because they can egg each other on to do naughty things or get jealous of each other and fight etc. There are lots of things you can do for single dogs to keep them happy at home while you are away.

[Ariel]

Have to ask: Was this another of your 'someone called me out the blue' moments?

Also: In a continuation of your career trajectories paralleling mine, I had this dilemma almost a year ago and same reaction. And you CAN always quit, not only if it doesn't work out, but if you miss the other stuff too much. (That's what I'm doing.) If you get valuable work experience and if you're driving yourself crazy at home, and if you think you'll gain skills and contacts to take back to your freelancing career later if you choose to return to it, it's worth doing. I reckon that what you say on instinct generally turns out to be right and it sounds like your instincts are talking.

Congratulations!

[Zoe]

Yay Kate!

'sonly a job. You can always tell them to shove it if the mood strikes.

[Jennine]

I hope your walk in the park helped. I have those moments pretty much every time I make a major decision. Every opportunity you take closes off other options, but it sounds to me like you made this one for the right reasons. As you said, you can always go back to freelancing if this job doesn't work out. Good luck!

[Mark Bahnisch]

Congrats, Kate! I'm sure it'll work out.

[Christine Keeler]

Good on you Kate. What a great Christmas present. Just don't forget to keep posting.

[TimT]

Yeah, congrats and Merry Christmas. If nothing else, it'll be good for making a coupla contacts!

[Cristy]

Glad to see that you were able to make the decision (sorry for bailing to go shopping). It sounds like it was the right one for now - particularly since it is the one that gives you the most options and choice for the future.

Have a great Christmas Kate. I look forward to "stressed out journalist" posts in the new year.

[Laura]

That's really good Kate - the regular paycheck will be pretty damn fine and you'll be bloody excellent at the job, no question.

[elsewhere]

it's hard, eh? it took me 10 days to decide whether I wanted to sign the renewal of my contract they were offering me and whether I wanted to do all that work again (as opposed to being poor, and doing other things).

[Shaun]

A Festivus miracle! Congrats Kate.

[Pavlov's Cat]

I dunno, I turn my back for a few days and when I come back there you are blogging up a storm and I spend half an hour catching up. Interesting case of projection over at Susoz's, I feel. (Not you, him, of course I mean!)

Good decision about the job, as job/money issues seem to have bedevilled you all year, and waitressing is for teenagers with completely intact knees. Absolutely what Ariel said up there about experience, skills and contacts; if and when you return to the freelance life you'll be even better-equipped for it, with a whole bunch of new stuff. Go Kate!

[Anna Winter]

What Ariel said - you usually can't go too far wrong going with your gut feeling.

They're bloody lucky to have you and all.

[Jennifer Cascadia]

Might congratulations! Like you say, if you don't like it, you probably have the guts to chuck it in, rather than persist in something basically unlikeable.

[dk.au]

onya Kate!

You'll be great. Don't take any crap and have fun.

[Liam]

That's excellent news, anxiety and all. Don't forget to join the MEAA.

[Liam]

[ahem]
http://alliance.org.au/

[redcap]

Hurrah for you, Kate! The old freelance life ain't always what it's cracked up to be. What will you be writing? News, features or some of both?

[Robert]

Great news, Kate.

The nerves are only to be expected, but you did the right thing accepting the job. A change is as good as a holiday, and like you said, if this holiday turns out to be like sleeping with bedbugs in a dodgy backpackers, then you can always come home to your freelance work.

What a great Christmas present!

[tigtog]

Congratulations, Kate. And Merry Christmas!

[Nic White]

Newspaper? Magazine? Broadcast?

Congrats :)

[ampersand duck]

Hey, isn't that great? The letter you wrote to your career worked! Nothing like a 'Dear John' letter to kickstart a fading relationship.

Happy Christmas.

[audrey]

Congratulations Kate! There's nothing like a solid pay check to kick start a new year. Like everyone else has said, if you don't like it you can always quit but at least you'll know what it is you definitely don't want to do. Wearing office clothes can be kind of fun too, though I always find in my third week at a new place that I just go back to wearing kind of non formal stuff. No wonder my Grandmother has just offered me a course in deportment...

[CW]

Congratulations!! A new adventure!